After putting countless cars on-edge wondering when the driver was finally going to almost rear-end them before speeding ahead rolling coal, local Ram pickup truck driver Alan Stephens was finally pulled over this afternoon on I-90 for failure to tailgate.
“Sir, you were maintaining an entire 3- to 4-second distance even behind all the Subarus—this is how accidents happen,” said State Patrol Trooper Walter Lungren after asking Stephens to step outside of his vehicle. “People expect pickups to ride their asses no matter how fast they’re going or which lane they’re in, so we’ve got folks all over the road now alternating between slowing down, speeding up, and stopping on the side of the road having panic attacks wondering when you’re just going to get your oil-fueled power-trip over with. Wow … and I just noticed you don’t even have truck nuts – get your act together, sir.”
Even more disturbing yet, Stephens was allegedly allowing drivers to change lanes after signaling instead of slamming his foot on the gas pedal to prevent them from merging.
“People are just driving crazier and crazier down I-90,” said visibly shaken driver Shelley Davis, one of the many drivers who stopped to collect themselves on the roadside to avoid Stephens’ unpredictable driving. “As soon as I saw a Ram pickup, I was prepared for the entirety of my car to be lit up by LED high beams to blind me, but I just kept on being able to see and drive safely. Who taught that psycho how to drive?”
Stephens admitted he was shocked by his own behavior and promised not to dangerously confuse other fellow drivers like that again.
“I’m so sorry – I think I just forgot I wasn’t driving my wife’s Mazda minivan today. But that’s no excuse for putting people in safety’s way like that. From now on, I’ll be sure to drive in the middle lane at 95 and rev my engine at every 2013 Prius only doing 80.”
