Though overjoyed that the Washington state legislature recently finally allowed all axe-throwing bars to apply for liquor licenses, the owner of Capitol Hill’s Blade and Timber says he’s honestly kind of astonished to report they haven’t even had one maiming yet.
“Don’t get me wrong: I’m glad that no one has been hurt,” said Greg Flintwood, polishing an axe with a bar rag. “But I did spend a lot of money installing these industrial slaughterhouse grates in the floors. And I don’t think it would hurt to have a couple of guys with mysterious facial scars or a hard-ass biker named Rosie with a hook-hand who hangs around all day. But, yeah, I guess it’s okay everyone walks out of here in one piece.”
Regulars and newcomers alike also expressed their surprise that they hadn’t been made witness to an accidental reenactment of The Red Wedding from Game of Thrones.
“I don’t understand how they’re still in business either, but at this stage more people have been maimed by shit falling off the walls at Unicorn than flying shrapnel here,” said Blade and Timber regular Stef Wheeler. “With the amount of booze and flying metal being hurled around, I thought they’d have to turn the walk-in refrigerator into a triage ward by now. Honestly the most harmful thing I’ve seen so far are Amazon bros named Felix who won’t stop cornering me to tell me Jordan Peterson makes some pretty good points if you just listen to 8-9 straight hours of him talking on Joe Rogan’s podcast.”
Flintwood later announced that the bar had bold new plans to continue to tempt fate by introducing a shot ski to the competitive chainsaw throwing lane.
