Just days after The Netherlands officially rejected Jeff Bezos’ request to dismantle a historic Rotterdam bridge to make way for one of his superyachts, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell began preparations at the Ballard Locks to make way for the Amazon founder’s Imperial Star Destroyer Yacht.
“Hey guys, Seattle tech sugar-daddy’s coming home and he’s probably not in a good mood after Europe refused to bend to his every beck and call,” said Mayor Harrell at the Locks this afternoon, clearly out of breath from running around to make sure the city had enough dynamite on-hand. “But we’re different. We’re special. We’re gonna make home all nice for him so he stays here and doesn’t leave us for his mistress headquarters over in the other Washington, okay? Now put on your Amazon smiles for me and kindly blow this shit up—I mean, expand it. He doesn’t want his Star Destroyer waiting in Shilshole Bay forever … I think he’s already crushed Ray’s Boathouse to bits.”
The expansion of the Ballard Locks and Salmon Bay Bridge hit a snag when local engineers wondered if this meant Fremont Bridge had to go too.
“We’ll blow up that bridge—I mean cross it—when we get there!” Mayor Harrell said after being weirdly choked by some invisible force. “If we can just get the Star Destroyer through the Locks, Mr. Bezos can at least begin plundering Theo’s Chocolate Factory.”
At press time, West Seattle was reportedly already suiting up a Jedi in an X-Wing Starfighter to make sure nothing further delays the reopening of the West Seattle Bridge.
