Losing no time to prepare after today’s announcement that Seattle would host 2026 World Cup games, FIFA’s president named former Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan as Special Corruption Advisor to the association.
“FIFA has a longstanding tradition of corruption to uphold, and that’s why we’ve selected former Mayor Jenny Durkan to ensure that the crooked values that FIFA thrives on will endure for the 2026 World Cup games held in Seattle,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “It’s going to take a lot of work to live up to the kind of brazen corruption that led us to hold the 2022 World Cup in the scorching human rights nightmare of Qatar—but after observing Jenny’s flagrant illegal scheming during Seattle’s 2020 protests we’re confident that FIFA won’t be bothered by pesky laws and regulations during the World Cup.”
Following the announcement, Durkan broke her months-long silence since leaving office to express her gratitude for the opportunity.
“What can I say folks, I’m just so gassed up to have this opportunity that it just brings a tear to my eye,” said Durkan. “Public figures in Seattle have a proud tradition of landing cushy advisory gigs after escaping the consequences of their alleged crimes, and I knew I couldn’t let my old pal Carmen ‘best’ me with her Global Security job at Microsoft. Rest assured Mr. Infantino, when I’m done here there won’t be a single text message, emoji, or gif left on record to show that FIFA was ever even in the city of Seattle.”
FIFA officials immediately began working with city officials to jumpstart embezzlement efforts by drawing up plans to bulldoze Lumen Field and build a new stadium two feet to the right at the taxpayers’ expense.
