Laying to rest all doubts of their authentic commitment to and celebration of Pride Month, corporate tech giant Amazon announced today it’s making its unquestionable allyship permanent by acquiring the entire LGBTQI+ community.
“The LGBTQI+ community is one of my favorite demographics, and there’s no better way to prove that than buying them,” said Amazon President and CEO Andy Jassy in a letter to the LGBTQI+ community awash with rainbow sparkles. “The acquisition is the obvious next step to support our gay and trans brothers and sisters. Oh, and non-binary siblings! I now await my medal for best ally ever.”
Jassy and his team have considered a variety of business models for the community and have landed on making it a subscription service.
“Members will have access to everything they love about the LGBTQI+ community and more, such as pride parades, drag shows, and photo storage,” Jassy said. “We can’t wait for the debut of our Prime Pride float at the parade later this month.”
If the new subscriber program succeeds, Amazon said it may begin acquiring other marginalized communities.
“We’re not just supporters of the movement anymore,” Jassy said. “We are the movement.”
Asked if they were excited or alarmed about the announcement, several anonymous members of the LGBTQI+ community told us they mostly felt “meh,” including one person The Needling interviewed at Seattle Center today.
“Eh, they’ll probably end up doing as much as when they bought environmentalism with the Climate Pledge: Just about nothing. Now excuse me, I have actual human rights to protect.”
