Despite a carefully honed exposition designed to hold suspense until his tale’s climactic reveal, tonight Ravenna resident Jacob Bransen failed to impress Tinder date Katya Ingraham with the story of his recent Dave Matthews encounter at PCC.
“We were just two men in Aisle 5 both going for the Nature’s Own Honey Wheat bread,” Bransen said. “This guy comes around the corner and nearly hits me with his shopping basket, and he was like ‘Whoa, sorry man,’ and I was like ‘Hey, no problem, man.’”
After 10-second pregnant pause accompanied with intense eye contact, Bransen continued.
“And that man wasn’t just any man — no. It was Dave Matthews.”
Witnesses reported that, despite receiving no response from Ingraham other than a “wow” every 30 seconds or so, Bransen rambled on with his story for a full five minutes, replete with more detail than any normal person would want to hear, DMB fan or not.
“It was painful to listen to,” said server Kelly Baker. “Did she really need to hear about every item in his basket? Or how the reusable grocery bag he was carrying matched his hazel eyes?”
When later reached for comment, Ingraham admitted she should have seen an obsessive Matthews story coming.
“I mean, his Tinder bio just says, ‘Lost for you, I’m so lost for you.’ … I think he means for Dave.”
