Just as local remote workers were set to begin another sweltering day at home chained to their laptops this morning, they were reportedly reminded that the corporate office has A/C by a helpful email from Satan.
“Greetings, valued employee, I hope this email finds you devilishly well amid this most unfortunate heatwave,” opened Satan’s email. “Just a friendly reminder that although you’re totally free to keep working remotely from home to avoid covid and small talk with Marcy, you’re always welcome back at corporate where the A/C is still giving my admin frostbite anytime she types without gloves on. So, feel free to just head on back to the downtown offices if at any point today you’re so hot you’d literally sell your soul to literally freeze instead.”
Despite suffering from the 90+ degree weather, Satan’s remote employees said they weren’t falling for it.
“Not today Satan—I’m not falling for that ‘three days a week hybrid schedule’ bullshit,” said remote worker Evan Monahan, wearing his girlfriend’s double-d bra packed with ice. “Classic middle-manager energy. Can you believe this guy? He actually typed out ‘mwahahaha’ in the email sign off. I’ve been working in my underwear for the last three years and that’s not about to change for all the A/C and ice-cold LaCroix in the world.”
While his air conditioning ploy went largely unanswered, Satan was able to lure a few fallen souls back into the office with the promise of a lifetime supply of Molly Moon’s ice cream.
