An entire marketing department was rescued from a long, excruciating physical and psychological horror today at a Downtown Yard House happy hour when a heroic coworker spared each of their innocent souls details about his plans to backpack The Enchantments this weekend.
“While each of my coworkers munched on pork sliders and poke nachos, I suddenly realized they were all within an inch of their lives of involuntarily hearing about my lightweight, leave-no-trace water bottle bidet system,” said Mitch Rice. “That’s when I leapt into action by immediately shutting my own mouth.”
King County Search and Rescue immediately commended Rice on his courageous move to only share that disturbing level of backpacking detail with people who voluntarily follow him on Instagram for that kind of info.
“Without Mitch’s swift thinking, things could have gotten so much worse—we’re talking conversations about foot blister prevention, how to win permit lotteries and why the hell anyone ever goes up or down Aasgard Pass,” said King County SAR Coordinator Rebecca Snell. “Fortunately, everyone’s going home tonight without an image of him squirting water into his butthole forever seared into memory.”
To date, Rice is the only recorded employee in Pacific Northwest history to abstain from sharing the news in a group setting larger than 6.
“Look, I am not going to say that this was easy,” Rice said. “As important as it is for me to maintain my reputation in the office as Mr. Outdoors, I also want to be remembered as the coworker that that doesn’t need to boast about their achievements all the time—that’s what LinkedIn is for.”
As if Rice’s brave act of selflessness today wasn’t enough, he says next week he plans to also rescue his team at their next standup meeting from hearing about how much more magical his weekend was than theirs.
