Families rejoiced today as the cold, overcast June weather turned the Fremont Solstice Parade into its first G-Rated, genitalia-free version of the treasured annual event.
“One step outside today naked, and all those bicyclists were Barbie-doll smooth—not a single awkward family life conversation out there today,” said parade spectator Perry Wheeler. “Without ever taking my clothes off, pretty sure my own nipples, dong and balls are still shriveled up into my own body as well. Just a lot of good, clean fun out there today, all without suddenly getting insecure about what a coworker or nearby neighbor’s been swinging around this whole time!”
A smooth, naked Ryan Gosling was even spotted biking the parade course today in preparation for his newly cast role as Ken in an upcoming Barbie movie.
“He was just glistening,” said fellow parade bicyclist Jerry Smith. “More power to everyone who could do it all naked today with their genitalia completely inverted into their bodies. I kinda cheated and wore sweats with my naked legs, kibbles and bits painted onto them along with a few dyed-brown cotton balls to add some dimension.”
At press time, event organizers were still peeling women away from an impromptu Ryan Gosling body-painting booth.
