From the safety of stiff, crusty sheets he hasn’t washed in more than a year, this afternoon Ballard resident Kevin Pilbasian announced to all two of his prospective Tinder matches that he’ll meet for drinks just about anywhere but the cesspool that is Downtown Seattle.
“I have to draw a line in the sand on going into that disgusting area,” says Pilbasian, as he drew a heart in the collection of crumbs, crushed Adderall and dirt in the center of his bed. “Look, until every drug addict down there gets a girlfriend they can also pressure to clean up their messes for them like grown, responsible citizens, no one can drag me into that unhygienic filth.”
Pilbasian says he hasn’t even stepped into Downtown since May 2020 when KOMO bravely reported that the Black Lives Matter movement had turned all the sidewalk steps into lava.
“Look, Downtown is now just full of crazy, paranoid, hallucinating people that no one should feel safe around,” as he rolled onto a tube of Ivermectin paste he’s been masturbating with ever since Joe Rogan recommended it. “Can’t even do a key bump at the McDonalds on Third in peace anymore, you know?”
At press time, Pilbasian’s prospective Tinder dates confirmed that they would be okay with meeting him nowhere, ever.
