Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to a local man whose lifelong record of voting is also complete and utter trash.
“Come on! How are there not enough people in the House and Senate to pass basic laws on gun control and a woman’s right to choose?” said the man who’s never voted in a mid-term election in his life and has definitely never encouraged anyone else to. “This is why I almost never vote. What’s the point if every time I wish for things to get better without me voting, things never get better? Let me know when things suddenly get better on their own and then maybe I’ll consider it.”
The country’s mostly two-party system has also dulled Congress and his will to vote, said the man who also likely won’t research or support a viable third-party candidate until his next last-minute opportunity to throw a vote away on Jill Stein.
“It’s all just rigged,” said the man, who didn’t vote in the most recent local primaries for Congress because he didn’t want to Google the names of 14 people with extremely different viewpoints on the ballot. “Same with local elections. I protested in the streets against police brutality for like a year straight and somehow that alone without voting didn’t keep a nut-job who’s best buds with a Seattle Police Officers Guild president from becoming the next Seattle City Attorney.”
At press time, GOP Sen. Mitch McConnell, Rep. Kevin McCarthy and former president Donald Trump announced they all agreed that voting is such a pointless waste of America’s time that they’re now fully committed to helping as many people as possible avoid ever being asked to do it again.
