One local hero bravely stood up to the woke mob today when he courageously took a moment from drinking straight out of an $800 bottle of champagne on his yacht to tweet out his thoughts about how student loan debt is the latest victim of cancel culture run amok.
“Look, I hung out with student loan debt a lot back in the day at Sallie Mae and they were great to me—you’ve never seen someone so generous with interest fee profits,” said local billionaire Chase Hodges, shaking in his two-thousand-dollar loafers. “So, to see everyone come down so hard on trying to cancel student loan debt – you know how hard it is for him to not be liked by everyone? It’s tragic. And all he did was keep the majority of entire generations from being able to afford homes and decent healthcare.”
Regarding other allegations against student loan debt, including impacts of an unnecessary amount of chronic stress that comes from chronic financial instability for millions of people, Hodges rolled his eyes.
“Just because he preys on kids before they’re even out of high school doesn’t mean he’s a total monster. Would it make everyone feel better if the nation’s student loan debt got a PR agent who wrote up an apology for all the irreparable damage it’s caused and printed it in the NY Times, never to be openly apologized for again?” Hodges said. “I really think he’d be willing to do that, as long as he knows his buddies like me will eventually rally around him enough to console him with a Grammy for some half-assed comeback tour standup performance.”
At press time, although student debt hadn’t been literally canceled in any way, it is reportedly suffering under the stress and humiliation of still only making millions in profits off young, financially naïve students daily.
