In a bold and unexpected move for the global coffee empire, Starbucks celebrated Women’s History Month today by finally releasing its iconic mermaid mascot from captivity back into Puget Sound.
“From the glass ceiling to the ocean floor, we are committed to supporting all women who make Starbucks such a special place to work, especially any we regrettably placed in the captivity of our branding department a few decades ago … by the way, the war on Christmas was all her fault,” remarked Adam Mirman, VP of Social Impact of the coffee giant. “Anyway! To prove our commitment, we’re returning our most iconic sea-suite executive to her rightful underwater home in the Puget Sound. She’s now officially free to swim among its bountiful treasures including her talkative Dungeness crab friends, baby orcas and all of the Mariners’ sunken dreams.”
While other corporate competitors spent the month touting commitments to closing gender wage gaps and donating to women’s shelters, Starbucks says they hope their groundbreaking move will make an even bigger splash in the fight for women’s rights.
“It’s been the ride of a lifetime as the company’s first mermaid mascot—as far as velvet handcuffs go, they were great,” reflected the mermaid as she wistfully gazed out at the sea through the windows of the company’s Georgetown headquarters. “But I haven’t seduced, drowned or shipwrecked a full boat of men in years and it’s just time for me to get back out there.”
At press time, the mermaid wanted the Netherlands to know they don’t have to worry about destroying their historic Rotterdam bridge to fit Jeff Bezos’ yacht anymore.
