In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at all their locations nationwide.
“Every day, people violating our traditional ways of maximizing only executive and shareholder salaries are attempting to lure our pure, untainted baristas into a collective orgy of unionized sin,” the billionaire CEO said, addressing a town hall meeting of the corporation’s biggest investors. “That’s why I’m issuing a new corporate policy, SB $7.25, which will seek to return our great corporation to a simpler time, when minimum wage was low, profits were high, and unsavory provocateurs didn’t discuss private bedroom talk like ‘fair wages’ in the public square.”
The new policy would prohibit the circulation of any materials discussing “unionized-orientations” or “collective identity politics” deemed not appropriate for employees in accordance with shareholders’ standards.
“Worker exploitation is key to our traditional capitalist values and, honestly, any attempt at trying to shove an alternative labor agenda down our throats is discriminatory to our way of life,” Schultz said. “I refuse to be held hostage by people trying to not live paycheck to paycheck at the expense of my 4th superyacht.”
In addition to the ban on union discussions in the workplace, the list of prohibited topics also includes “tip skimming,” and “wage theft.”
