Suddenly attacked today from every direction by rampant local real fake news copycats, this afternoon The Needling announced it had issued cease-and-desist orders to Seattle Public Utilities, Pike Place Market, the Washington Department of Natural Resources and many others.
“For The Needling to continue being Seattle’s Only Real Fake News, there can only be one local source of real fake news,” said Needling Editor-in-Chief Lex Vaughn in a statement. “We don’t know what’s gotten into these scoundrels on this beautiful first day of April, but today their posts have been too funny, too local and—most troubling—sometimes too deceptively and creatively educational all at the same time.”
The Washington Department of Transportation will also be issued a cease-and-desist after announcing the name of the state’s new tow plow would be Betty Whiteout.
“While the winking Betty White GIF they announced the name with gave us hope that Seattle’s favorite snow plow, Sleet Davidson, would soon have more friendly company, we were again befuddled about whether this is a real fake news copycat or not,” Vaughn said. “WSDOT, we insist you return to tweeting about traffic so we can keep bringing citizens the real fake news headlines they really need like ‘Local Asshole Uses Merging Lane How It Was Designed to Be Used,’ ‘Tickets Selling Out Quickly for Queen Anne Sedan Snow Slam’ and ‘Green Lake Paddle Boarders Spotted Migrating I-5 South for Winter.”
Citing how expensive it is to commission lawyers to send out cease-and-desist orders to hundreds of local agencies and companies for the audacity to have an excellent sense of humor, Vaughn asked readers of The Needling to help financially support their cause.
“If you love and appreciate the real fake news reporting The Needling gives you year-round as well as our urgent cease-and-desist campaign, please support us at Patreon.com/TheNeedling or on Venmo at @TheNeedling. Help us reach even a tenth of the financial support fake fake news reporter Brandi Kruse already has on Patreon (as of April 1, she has 2329 total patrons. The Needling has 78). Independent media like The Needling can’t keep investigating things like whether Yakima really is the Palm Springs of Washington state without your support.”
