The Portage Bay Café Brunch Committee handed down an official decision today to ban local woman Megan Thompson from weekend brunches permanently after finding her guilty of the crime of ordering nothing more interesting than an ordinary waffle this last Sunday.
“Despite clear options to impress her friends and Instagram followers by ordering something like the Special of the Day saffron-infused, duck-fat-fried cornmeal pancakes, she deliberately called it in last weekend by ordering nothing but a simple waffle—she didn’t even ask the waiter if they had local huckleberry syrup, lavender butter, a French compote or anything,” said Brunch Committee President Nina Chen. “We had no choice. She is heretofore banished from ever ordering a French Toast cooked inside a caramelized pumpkin topped with candied walnuts and cardamom-dusted whipped cream with us ever again.”
Such incidents are on the rise since the pandemic began and Seattleites were forced to turn on their seldom-used stoves to try and poach their own eggs before giving up and driving to McDonald’s for Egg McMuffins they did their best to pretend were made from quail eggs and acorn-fed jamón Ibérico.
“We are all readjusting to society and it’s going to take some time to remember how to order properly at the brunch table,” Chen said, admitting they’re considering being a bit more lenient toward future offenders. “Last week we received reports of an unfortunate man who ordered a bowl of dry Fruit Loops without them even being used to coat fresh beignets wrapped de-poisoned hemlock leaves.”
Future brunch-ordering offenders will be offered a complimentary pass to a two-week, intensive seminar on how to order more pretentious menu items on a regular basis to make themselves seem more cultured, when in fact all food goes to the same place.
