While experts disagree on the exact date a climate Armageddon will inevitably crush most life on the planet, climate scientists are unanimous in their belief that this skinny glacier looks absolutely A-MAZING!
“With the planet irreversibly warming and a perennial beach season upon us, the Mendenhall Glacier of the Alaskan panhandle has understood the assignment honey!” said Dr. Hans Meltzengruber of the EU Climate Change Programme’s Glam Division. “Just look at all those jagged fissures, that crushed blue facade that just screams confidence that the end is nigh! It hasn’t been this thin since it was just a hot mess of snow accumulation over 3,000 years ago!”
Even the most indignant and deyassified of climate hawks were amazed at the sight of the emaciated icefield.
“I arrived in Alaska expecting to survey the glacier’s devastation, but even my mouth was agape when I saw this skinny beauty,” croaked activist Greta Thunberg, visibly moved by Mendenhall’s plunging snowline. “No longer shall I scream and raise hell for our morbund climate. Who has time for such an energy suck when we can dedicate ourselves to the superficial and the fabulous?”
At press time, researchers were probing the 36-square-mile glacier for a suitable site to inject silicone ass implants.
