Today one local man took a break from his usual dislike of bright colors and bold celebrations of community pride, especially in June, to celebrate that he is—at most—1/37th Irish.
“Every St. Patrick’s Day, I’m excited to tastefully celebrate my Irish ancestors of distant, if-existent-at-all relation by dressing up as a garishingly green leprechaun getting drunk on green beer,” said local Pride Month critic Chuck Wilson. “Nothing overboard or too flamboyant, you know, unlike some rainbow-flag wag waving people in this city. You’re LGBT and you’re still fighting for your right to joy and safety every day, we get it, ugh – why do they get a whole month? You know only 23 U.S. presidents have been of Irish descent? If this world made any sense, there would be a whole season dedicated to playing bagpipe music nonstop.”
Adjusting his green and gold top-hat, Wilson explained what his questionable Irish heritage means to him.
“There’s a way to be respectfully proud of who you are without shoving it in everyone’s face,” Wilson said before ordering his friends to chug a round of Irish Car Bombs. “You don’t have to literally parade it around unless you’re always signed up to walk in the St. Patrick’s Day parade every year like I am – it’s a whole different thing.”
At press time, Wilson was seen drunkenly expressing his love for Braveheart, the Loch Ness monster, and several other actually Scottish things.
