The EPA and Seattle Department of Ecology announced today that the Duwamish River will stay green for the St. Patrick’s Day holiday, and probably forever after that.
“We have a comprehensive plan to not clean up the contaminated particulate in the riverbed and not address upstream polluters so that the community can enjoy the Duwamish River in all its verdant glory while getting drunk to celebrate Irish culture,” said EPA spokesman Isaac Johnson. “If the city responds well to this initiative, we may deploy further measures to reduce cleanup efforts and possibly even enhance the vibrant color profile of the river with more chemicals to celebrate future occasions.”
Federal ecologists say they’re excited that everyone’s favorite Seattle-area Superfund site is going to remain decked out in toxic, effervescent green for the upcoming holiday, just like it is every day of every year.
“Like your mother always told you, you don’t need to fly to Chicago on St. Patrick’s Day to see a green river – we’ve got one at home!” Johnson said. “Turning a river green with vegetable dye – pfft, child’s play. I mean it’s not even a decades-long, environmental hazard.”
Though they look deliciously festive this time of year, the EPA warned locals against eating the river’s bright green, three-eyed radioactive fish.
