Sources close to the Microsoft Corporation reported hearing gentle sobbing at its Redmond headquarters today as the company stared at old photos from its 1990s heyday when it used to be the most hated tech company in the Seattle area.
“What happened? We used to be the ones selling overpriced, poorly made products by monopolizing the market. Now all anyone can talk about is how dumb they feel for buying a thing that disintegrated the day it was delivered from Amazon,” Microsoft could be heard whimpering to itself. “Just look at that youthful glow as our CEO gives a bullshit testimony to a U.S. Attorney when cross-examined about strategically monopolizing the PC business for over a decade in the shadiest of ways. Those were the days. Now all anyone cares about is how Zuckface acted just as clueless in front of Congress while the entire country disintegrates from Facebook misinformation campaigns.”
Business psychologists say many companies suffer a mid-life crisis as they take stock of their lives and realize the world has passed them by.
“Three decades ago, you might have been on top of the world, introducing annoying talking paper clips no one could get rid of and forcing everyone to use your products if they wanted to buy a computer,” said Elizabeth Krauthamer, an analyst of Berkshire Hathaway. “Then one day you wake up, and all anyone’s complaining about is lanyard-wearing Amazon employees pricing everyone out of the region.”
At press time, Microsoft was reminded it’s still hated by millions of people forced to use Microsoft Teams and whoever is still keeping Bing alive.
