Overwhelmed nurses at overcrowded local hospitals received real relief for the first time in two years this week with the welcome introduction of self-checkout lanes for unvaccinated patients.
“This is a win-win-win,” said Harborview nurse Renee Wilson. “Nurses are relieved to see numbers in our ICU and acute care rooms immediately nosedive. Unvaccinated patients no longer have to scoff and spit at people saving their lives because they didn’t get their degree from Joe Rogan Podcast Medical School. But, maybe most importantly, hospital administration officials are getting their favorite kind of irrational high off of spending ten times our salary—or two times a travel nurse’s salary—on each self-checkout station because they’re non-union and non-human.”
According to Wilson, the self-checkout kiosks so far have worked like a charm.
“About every five minutes you hear ‘unexpected item in bagging area,’ and you have to hustle on over, but usually it’s just a trailing IV line or EKG lead you have to clear,” Wilson said. “For the most part, all of these unvaccinated patients seem pretty confident after walking around here for a minute brandishing a bottle of colloidal silver and ivermectin they know more than hospital staff does about applying casts on broken limbs, diagnosing skin cancer and performing appendectomies.”
Wilson says the kiosks also work just as well for unvaccinated patients who’ve been unconscious and intubated in the COVID ICU unit for two or more weeks.
“They can check out any time they like, but most can never leave.”
