After more than a year of rigorous investigation, researchers at Seattle Public Schools’ administration office confirmed findings today proving that holding up unread books on anti-racism double as a literal shield against all accusations of racism.
“In one study conducted at Ballard High School, holding up a copy of Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Between the World and Me in a staff photo instantly inoculates even the most cowardly enabler of white supremacy from being found guilty of perpetuating any racial bias or systemic racism,” said Seattle Public Schools human resources researcher Keven Wynkoop. “If our calculations are correct, merely prominently displaying Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow or Ijeoma Oluo’s So You Want to Talk About Race in a bookcase you mostly use as a Zoom background is just as effective.”
If caught off-guard while being asked to reflect on how one’s words or actions perpetuate racism without an anti-racist book shield nearby, researchers said that crying profusely on the spot can be just as good of a shield.
“Instead of listening, learning and then taking actions to become a genuinely better person, try crying hard enough that everyone around you now assumes you’re the actual victim in this situation,” said lead researcher Wendy Olsen. “I mean, ideally you have a picture of yourself reading a book about fighting racism on Instagram somewhere that instantly absolves you from being called out as performative activist who is more a part of the problem than the solution. But, in a pinch, crocodile tears especially from any white lady should do the job.”
Researchers say this year they’ll be continuing to look into how effective it is to take Martin Luther King Jr. quotes completely out of context to justify everything he lived and died fighting against.
