Creators of new earthquake warning app MyShake say the technology gives people an opportunity to use the critical few seconds before a quake strikes to safely erase their entire search history.
“Our earthquake warning app is designed precisely to provide just enough time—should the worst happen—to delete the evidence of that time when you created a fake company so you could stalk your ex on LinkedIn,” said Carolyn Pierce, senior engineer at MyShake. “Our hope is that with a little extra notice, we can mitigate some of the damage that would occur if everyone found out you’ve been virtually stalking Jason Momoa while plotting to ‘accidentally’ run into him now that he’s single, or whatever depraved nonsense you were hoping to find when you searched for ‘Green M&M Tucker Carlson’ on PornHub, you sick bastard.”
Although the app designed my University of California Berkeley seismologists is not advanced enough yet to allow time for deleting all sexting history with that troll you met on Tinder, so far it’s still been met with rave reviews.
“I don’t know about you, but if the worst happens, I’d certainly appreciate a few extra seconds warning to tidy up so people don’t find out I sometimes pick my nose and wipe it on the cat as he walks by,” said Jake Bowman, sweeping away wrappers from three separate fast food chains. “We all do things in our private moments we’re not proud of, so it’d really put my mind at ease if I had a few seconds to at least delete my YouTube playlist of pimple popper videos in case a rescue crew has to kick my down door and use the jaws of life to pull my pantsless body from a pile of rubble and Mt. Dew Hard Baja Blast cans.”
While the creators hope that the app will ultimately provide a valuable public service, they apologized for not yet finding a way to keep people from using their last few seconds to tweet out their daily Wordle score instead.
