Right before his first mayoral inauguration event today, a frantic Bruce Harrell was reportedly heard whispering swears to himself upon finding his mayoral sash had turned bright pink after accidentally being washed with a red sock left in the laundry.
“No-no-no-no I’m gonna look like I’m going to a bachelorette party on my first day on the job,” said Mayor Harrell as he desperately looked around for bleach. “Joanne! Can you dig my Garfield High letterman jacket out of the attic? … Goddamnit, we’ll MAKE it fit!”
Asked why Harrell didn’t feel okay going to his first public event as mayor in just a suit, an anonymous aide said the answer is complicated.
“He’s worn the sash every day since the final election results came in and it got pretty sweaty, so he thought he’d just give a quick wash,” said the aide. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that mayors don’t even wear sashes anymore. He spent like $500 on it, though. I’m pretty sure he wanted to get enough mileage out of it to take it to the ribbon-cutting of the first prison wing—I mean homeless shelter—he plans on opening up during his first term.”
Although Harrell ended up arriving at the event on time in his high school letterman jacket instead, the mayor reportedly left early to remove about five layers of SPANX shapewear.
