With a dwindling faith that he’ll ever be truly loved and adored for anything but his two-figure phallic length, tonight Fremont Troll cut to the chase by adding it to the top of his Tinder bio.
“I really do wish more people were interested in my passion for origami, deep love of colonial dollhouses or refined petroleum palate, but we inevitably don’t even make it past the first riddle before ‘how big are you?’ gets brought up,’” sighed the Troll as he waited resentfully for whoever swiped right on him next. “I usually like to wait until the third riddle on a first date before I even bring that up, but I just want to get it out of the way as soon as possible now. Sometimes it just feels like people are only interested in me because I’m an enormous, rock-hard landmark capable of incredible power and sorcery.”
Fremont Troll said he sometimes fears even 18’ isn’t quite satisfactory for his dates.
“There’s so many picky Princess Fionas out there. What even is enough? Look at The Lincoln Memorial. That randy bastard is 30’ minimum, and that’s sitting!” the Troll said. “18’ sounds big, but compared to the Space Needle, 18’ is like a can of soup with a slight kink to the left in it next to an aircraft carrier. 18’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, believe me.”
At press time, Fremont Troll was scrolling through his ex’s Instagram wondering what she saw in Belltown’s giant red twin popsicle anyway.
