The city’s new snowplow, Sleet Davidson, has already plowed through Marion, Madison, and Cherry while all you managed to do Christmas weekend was swipe through 90 men named Parker as a growing pile of Dorito powder accumulates on your ugly holiday sweater.
Needless to say, the holidays can be hard to enjoy during a pandemic, especially when you’re single and alone watching powerful six-piston engines thoroughly plow every street in Seattle just outside your frigid window tonight.
Here’s five ways to cope while the road below your apartment is plowed just loud enough that, frankly, it feels kind of performative:
- Prioritize self-care: When you’re not dating anyone, it’s time to date yourself and show her some loving self-care instead. So next time you see a pickup plowing the fuck out of Latona Avenue, don’t be jealous. Be wearing a nice, new pair of headphones so you can listen to something more fun than the sound of every nearby avenue getting Zambonied.
- Organize: Allow the plows pushing it real good outside to inspire you to finally push some shit out of your cluttered closet for good. Pick up on this advice and you’ll want to grab the heels you haven’t worn in three years push them into a Goodwill pile.
- Bake cookies: Who says you can’t plow through some white stuff yourself? Bust out the refined sugar and flours and get cooking, licking and eating to your heart’s content.
- Watch movies: Transport yourself to another world where the fact that you won’t be getting plowed tonight isn’t rubbed in your face. Turn up the volume while watching new releases like Don’t Look Up so you’re not as aware of the thick steel thrusting through Market Street while taking comfort in the fact that even Leonardo DiCaprio looks more plump these days too.
- Get plowed: If none of the above coping mechanisms suffice, go ahead and stand in the middle of a street still covered in beautiful snow and wait for Sleet Davidson to come plow you both at the same time. It’s not everyone’s jam, but don’t knock it til you try it.
