Christmas magic was on full display this morning when children of the Little family came tumbling down the stairs to discover the cigarettes they’d left out for the Amazon delivery worker bringing them all their gifts at the last minute on Christmas Eve had been smoked.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look!” said Susie Little as her father brought in a plate of cigarette butts from the porch for the kids to marvel at up-close. “All the kids at school say there’s no such thing as the Amazon Delivery Man and that he’s not real because there’s no way someone has such a high-demanding job with such minimal benefits and only gets bathroom breaks by peeing in a bottle. Wait til they see this Marlboro Reds ash!”
Taking Needling reporters aside for an exclusive, Susie’s father Wesley Little admitted to us in a low tone that he actually smoked all the cigarettes himself.
“Okay, yeah, the cigarettes were all me. I know Amazon delivery workers don’t have the time to sit on a porch to take a moment to relax on Christmas Eve of all days – I just didn’t want to ruin her dreams of growing up, owning a Fortune 500 company, and underpaying workers so as to keep a solid profit margin on product deliveries,” her father said. “After all, her favorite Christmas book is How the Grinch Evaded his Taxes.”
At press time, the Little children were even more overjoyed to open a new Amazon Alexa as a gift so they can set out cigarettes for Amazon delivery workers to smoke on the porch any day of the week for years to come.
