For years, “Tacoma Elf Storage” was thought to be a fun, holiday lark by the owners of Tacoma Self Storage, but after a daring escape tonight, Gumdrop the Elf tells another story about life on the inside.
“It’s actually a workshop — we’re building, packing and shipping toys 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year,” said Gumdrop, still shivering in a police blanket. “We were only allowed three cups of hot chocolate and a dozen sugar cookies a day.”
Elves were allegedly not allowed to sing either and could only request songs through an Alexa, which rival gangs fought over for control.
“My crew, we were into the old stuff, you know: Nat King Cole, roastin’ chestnuts on an open fire,” Gumdrop said. “These other fools wanted Michael Bublé or Tran Siberian Orchestra. People got whacked for that shit.”
To escape, Gumdrop said he feigned illness.
“I knew the bosses weren’t going to let me take a break,” he said. “So I pretended to pass out. They didn’t even call for a doctor, they just threw my ass in a box and shipped me out.”
When asked what he’ll do next, Gumdrop pulled a sharpened candy cane from his mouth, lifted up his shirt, and pointed at an “Elf Liberation Front” tattoo emblazoned across his chest.
“Only me and this peppermint shank know that.”
