After locking up an overwhelming election victory today to become the Emerald City’s next mayor, Bruce Harrell celebrated tonight by moving all the way to Seattle.
“I’m really gonna miss all my major donors here on the Eastside and all of our late-night benders together in my favorite Downtown Bellevue condo skyscraper—Frank Blethen, you know what I’m talking about you Seattle Times-owning son-of-a-bitch,” said Harrell laughing and pointing while picking up a suitcase. “It was kind of an open secret that I actually lived over here while I was on the Seattle City Council and I just really thank everyone for never caring too much about that, the way I never called out Ed Murray for being a disgusting pedophile, or how I once threatened city employees’ livelihoods for investigating wage theft at the Royal Esquire Club—a literal exclusive boys club I belong to.”
Harrell reminded everyone celebrating him tonight that, first and foremost, he believes in bringing everyone together.
“I figure that might be kind of hard though if I’m not actually physically here in this city most of the time, so it’s only fitting that my first grand gesture as Mayor-Elect is to move all the way back here – you’re welcome Seattle,” Harrell said. “How else am I going to throw the Seattle Police Department a pizza party every week they don’t unnecessarily shoot people dead like the sociopaths we know they are. I gotta pat them on the back myself – a text message while I’m getting lobbied hard by local real estate kingpins just doesn’t cut it. I’m all about carrot, not the stick—at least with police. People struggling with homelessness, however, need a very compassionate stick.”
At press time, Harrell said he was already sending the Seattle Police Department to clear all the tents out of REI.
