Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson’s middle finger on his throwing hand was immediately struck down by God Thursday night at Lumen Field when he violated his Christian morals for a split second to flip off someone for the first time in his entire life.
“I know I’m usually such a goody two-shoes and true disciple of God who wants my light to so shine before men that I glorify my Father which art in heaven—but seriously fuck LA Rams defensive lineman Aaron Donald,” said Wilson as God zapped his second middle finger for saying “fuck” for the first time ever. “I’m surrounded by assholes who say and do much more horrible things. My God, my God why have you forsaken me?!”
Reached for comment, God said he just has very high expectations of his most devout followers.
“Excuse me, did everyone forget what I did to Job? This is nothing — calm down,” said God. “I’m only being hard on him because he’s clearly one of my chosen ones. The rest of you are slovenly losers who can take down yourselves just fine. I have high expectations for Russell and I just don’t want him getting sloppy with his character out there.”
At press time, rumors were circulating that Russell may be out for the season after uttering his first “Goddamnit.”
