Local man Lucas Anderson failed to surprise anyone today with an announcement that, despite the opening of the northern U.S. border more than a week ago, his imaginary Canadian girlfriend has still been unable to cross the border into Washington.
“It would be awesome if Alyssa could visit, but she has so much going on right now between modeling and nursing school,” lamented Anderson. “I just hope she’s gathering enough syrup from their lush maple tree forests to survive the winter without me again.”
According to skeptical friends who wished to stay anonymous, Anderson began mentioning Alyssa last fall, claiming to have met her on TikTok. When confronted with compelling evidence that Alyssa is fictional, Anderson was quick to dispel the rumors generated by the year-long façade.
“If she’s so fake, how did she send me this picture?” Anderson asked, his phone showing a stock photo of a brunette twenty-something laughing while eating a salad. “God, she’s beautiful.”
Neither the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Border Patrol or Alyssa could be reached for comment.
