Unsure whether purchasing books quickly and conveniently online from Amazon had made it clear enough that he thinks local independent bookstores can go fuck themselves and die already, local book purchaser Jared Riley announced he was putting all doubt to rest today by shopping at the University Village Amazon Books store.
“I just wanted to make it clear that even when I’m willing to get my ass out of the house and drive to an actual, physical bookstore, I still don’t want to help keep alive local, independent bookstores with any soul or community identity imbued in it,” said Riley as he picked up a hardcover copy of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. “Third Place Books, Queen Anne Book Company and Phinney Books, let me know when your shops finally get some sterile, corporate atmosphere to them like this fine establishment. Until then, I’m supporting a business that funds important things like Jeff Bezos’ second trip to outer space.”
When asked if he couldn’t at any point instead be lured into independent bookstores like Magus Books, Arundel Books, Pegasus Book Exchange or Couth Buzzard Books by their generous staff’s personalized book recommendations, local coffee and treats, Riley shook his head.
“Look, when I shop in-person for books, I’m looking for the bookstore equivalent of a Cheesecake Factory—lots of shiny-looking, predictable options and staff who can’t wait to clock out,” Riley said. “And definitely no unions—you hear that Elliott Bay Book Company?!”
Riley confirmed that some day he also hopes there’s enough Amazon grocery store locations to make it clear local, independent grocery stores selling products from unique local businesses should really go fuck themselves as well.
