In a move that shocked football fans everywhere, today Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll’s longtime chewing gum, Chewy Bubble-Yum, announced his intent to retire from football and human gums altogether at the end of the season.
“After 11 seasons in the garbage disposal that is Coach Carroll’s mouth, my passion for the job no longer bleeds with the Red Lake #40 dye of my youth,” said Bubble-Yum, his gummy form quickly fading as fast as the ‘Hawks secondary. “I got gnashed pretty bad after that last Geno Smith interception, and there’s just not that much elastomer left in me.”
Bubble-Yum was first drafted by Carroll during his stressful and timely escape from a corrupt USC football program just before it received some of the biggest sanctions in college sports history.
“Of course I’m saddened to see him go,” said a fidgety Carroll, rifling through his desk to find something to put in his mouth. “Ah! The perfect backup — Marshawn’s old Super Bowl Skittles. Nah wait – my teeth are stuck together, stuck! Help!”
Local NFL officials confirmed they’ve already secured a coveted, above-child-mouth-level spot to retire Bubble-Yum on The Gum Wall.
