After a strenuous, weeklong search that required all of local law enforcement’s resources plus volunteer teams, the Seattle Police Department says missing white woman Madison Roberts was safely located today in a canyon of inspirational wall-art at Target.
“She was a little dehydrated and disoriented when we found her lodged between some Live Laugh Love and Blessed signs, but she’s gonna be okay,” said SPD spokesman Ed Grant of the svelte, blonde, blue-eyed 26-year-old. “We were never going to stop looking for her because, unlike the hundreds of women of color who are still missing and never had a full search team look for them, Ms. Roberts here is a white woman who is at least a 7 out of 10.”
Roberts, who forgot to charge her phone before an afternoon of errands, became a top news story within minutes, despite no filed report that she had gone missing.
“Wait what happened?” asked Roberts turning away fast after spotting Dog the Bounty Hunter running down a decorative lamp aisle. “I mean I know I came in here and got off-track shopping for a lot more than what I initially had on my shopping list but did you really just say I’ve been the hottest thing on True Crime TikTok this week just because I couldn’t decide on a It’s Wine o’Clock Somewhere and As for Me and My House We Will Serve Tacos 24:7 sign? That just seems nuts.”
When asked why they aren’t putting just a fraction of the effort they put into finding Roberts into finding other missing people of color, SPD spokesman said the state is doing all it can by posting a link to a pdf list of missing person names with no photos or physical descriptions for anyone to even try working with if they wanted.
At press time, all resources were being diverted to reports of another missing white woman, reportedly as hot as a 9, last seen lost in a sea of affordable yet classy-looking shower curtains.
