After intuitively sensing tension from others about his presence at Alki Beach, today a three-year-old golden retriever was assured by his owner the “No Dogs On Beach” signs surely didn’t apply to him.
“Oh no, Checkers! That sign is for all the lesser dogs who eat their own shit, whereas you, my civilized good boi, only eat your own asshole,” said the dog’s owner Mike Harmon. “The City of Seattle only made up this silly, marine-life-protecting rule prohibiting all dogs from all saltwater beaches, leashed or not, for other canines who don’t look as cute as you when you’re chasing blue herons, gnawing on starfish or messing with seal pups.”
Harmon said he didn’t have anything against the longstanding law clearly displayed on signs at every saltwater beach in the city, especially since it often means Checkers, his “special fluffy wuffy,” gets to have the beach all to himself.
“I totally get why the city wouldn’t want most dogs on the beach, especially because the tidal pool marine life are disturbed enough by hoomans here,” Harmon said. “But you should have seen how proudly Checkers was wagging his tail when he found a fresh, bright orange sea cucumber to chew on – so many likes on that Instagram reel.”
After today’s long stroll on the beach, Harmon reassured Checkers that the “no dogs allowed” signs and glaring people they see on hiking trails at Mount Rainier this weekend also don’t apply to him.
