A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time in ages last night.
“Unfortunately, there just isn’t any other way to explain how Dylan Moore’s grand slam at the bottom of the eighth completely ignited T-Mobile Park last night,” said UW atmospheric scientist Dr. Rachel Welks. “We understand that 100-degree heat waves and an even 5 percent chance of reaching a wildcard playoff game all in one summer may not seem like a big deal in other parts of the nation, but in Seattle experiencing such spectacular phenomena is nothing short of earth-shattering.”
As the only professional baseball team to have never competed in a World Series, most geologists say the Mariners’ progress toward winning a championship has usually moved at a glacial pace since pre-historic times.
“After experiencing the longest playoff drought of any professional men’s sports team in history, though, the Mariners were basically a tinderbox just waiting for a little spark to explode—especially when playing notorious trash-can noise polluters like the Houston Astros,” Dr. Welks said, closely surveying the ashes on the ball Moore shot into the upper decks. “Unprecedented heat waves, floods and rainforest fires had most of us pretty sure climate change was real, but the rate at which even the Mariners are burning now for that wildcard berth officially makes global warming 100 percent undeniable.”
Welks said while it’s unlikely the Mariners will continue to stay on fire for much longer this year, she fears it’s only a matter of time until the world witnesses events as strange and jarring as the team actually winning the World Series.
