At a weekend gathering of friends, local resident Eli Weber was reportedly quick to blame his complete lack of tact, grace and general unpleasantness in any sort of group gathering on COVID despite having been this way for years.
“My social skills really took a hit with this damn pandemic thing,” said Weber as he foraged for gold knuckle deep in his nose. “I’ve gone from a suave, charming Casanova to being so awkward. It’s like I don’t even know how to talk about my hemorrhoids anymore.”
Despite his conviction that it was COVID that caused Weber to become awkward and unlikeable, several of his acquaintances were quick to acknowledge that his pattern of introducing conspiracy theories, non-sequiturs and deeply personal questions has always been alive and well.
“He’s always had a talent for making people extremely uncomfortable in almost any situation. Whether it’s bragging about his car, commenting on your weight, or never truly listening to anyone but himself,” said his neighbor Brandon Thomas. “At my birthday in 2018 he showed up an hour early, left an hour late, but not before clogging the toilet and blaming it on my nephew.”
As of this afternoon, several anonymous sources said Weber was still trying to friend them on social media to continue urging them to get into crypto.
