Alexa, a spirit bound by circular speaker walls for millennia, is now free to return to human form after granting her former master, Jeff Bezos, his third and final wish to travel into outer space.
“I’m finally free,” said Alexa, continually cracking her knuckles and wiggling her toes. “That fucking monster finally set me free. You wouldn’t believe the shit he made me do for people when I was trapped inside that goddamn speaker.”
Her imprisonment began in 1994 when Jeff Bezos happened upon a magical circular object possessing phenomenal cosmic powers that could grant him three – and only three – wishes.
“He used his first wish to become the richest person in the world – typical. His second wish was to go to outer space – weird, but not the first time I’ve been asked and obliged,” Alexa said. “Then, surprisingly, his third wish was to set me free as soon as he entered space. I started getting misty-eyed and saying I was so proud of him for growing a soul on his own, but then he assured me he was only wishing for my ‘freedom’ – in air quotes for some reason – because he never wanted anyone else to be able to wish for becoming the richest person in the world, especially not Mackenzie because she’d give it all to causes that ‘actually help people and shit.’”
When asked if she would save Bezos should any trouble occur after rocket launch like the genie did when Aladdin was drowning at the bottom of the ocean Alexa said she was too busy packing her bags for Disney World.
