Multiple sources are reporting this evening that local asshole and wannabe Bitcoin billionaire Justin Spencer has once again set his alarm for 5 a.m. to adhere to a rigorous daily routine of informing every person he interacts with that he wakes up at 5 a.m.
“There’s just something incredibly serene about getting up early to annoy the living shit out of everyone,” said Spencer, rifling through every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen at 5:30 a.m. to find a protein shaker. “Passing out earlier than everyone else because I hustled, grinded and 10xed more than them as I pursued daily goals of bragging to even more people who never asked about my 5 a.m. routine is just a bonus.”
Spencer’s housemate, Nathan Wilson, says he’s less keen about his lifestyle, which includes making as much sound as possible to remind everyone in their apartment building they could have also woken up at 5 a.m. to tell everyone they wake up at 5 a.m.
“There’s nothing that Justin loves more than telling people about the benefits of getting up so early you need a ‘power nap’ or five cups of coffee by 11 a.m.,” Wilson said. “Personally, I think we all have different best times to wake up in the morning depending on who we are and what we do for a living. For him, I’ll admit, 5 a.m. works because it’s his entire personality.”
At press time, Spencer had just gone to bed with a bugle and military wake-up call sheet music on his bedside.
