Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid people in your life that you simply can’t stand.
“Of course the Delta variant is a cause for serious concern, but—let’s be honest—it’s not going to stop a single one of us from doing whatever the hell we want to do right now,” said Cathy Giles, a spokesperson for the CDC. “That said, we’ve found it to be an amazingly believable excuse when it comes to avoiding those God-awful people in your life that you’re just not ready to spend time with again yet.”
While the general population of the U.S. doesn’t seem to genuinely care about the Delta variant whatsoever, they do seem to care about how the excuse itself can help them in their day-to-day lives.
“I spent three hours at Nordstrom Rack last week, so of course I’m willing to spend time with people I actually want to see,” said Eastlake resident Amanda Fisher. “But Nikki is the fucking worst, so I tell her I’m still being ‘really careful’ due to the Delta variant because I’m seriously just not ready for that interaction yet.”
At the time of publication, the CDC had also recommended looking around the bar you’re sitting at before texting a Delta-based excuse to someone you can’t stand, just in case they’re at the same bar.
