Reality show classic Survivor announced today in a gripping teaser that its next season will feature decrepit Seattle bridges vying for infrastructure funds.
“That grand prize of full replacement is all mine,” said Magnolia Bridge, who was most certainly immediately voted off unless it kept winning immunity challenges. “The woeful cries of West Seattle Bridge’s now island community will never outlast the howling screeches of Magnolia’s rich, Safe Seattle homeowners complaining about having only two other exits off their tiny portion of the city.”
Clips indicate the show’s star alliance will be between Ship Canal Bridge and Aurora Bridge.
“Can you imagine the entire city driving to and from North Seattle on only one of us – especially me?!” laughed the slender and beautiful Aurora, gently petting her Fremont Troll. “Lake Union bridges have got to stick upright together. I know it might be entertaining to some of you if part of us fell on a giant yacht, but I think we’d much rather keep our shit together.”
So much anticipation and excitement is bubbling up about the season it’s even caught the attention of GOP Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who is pitching it as a long-term method for infrastructure funding.
“President Biden’s plan to invest more in major infrastructure projects than we have in decades with the American Jobs Plan is clearly completely unnecessary,” said Sen. McConnell. “What America really wants is infrastructure funding to be allotted through something like this season of Survivor or, better yet, Hunger Games that ends in a fight to the death of hundreds of people and local economies. Until then, go Magnolia Bridge!”
