Longtime Ballard resident of 12 minutes and 37 seconds Jeff Coleman announced today he’s getting quickly frustrated and concerned about the absurd number of people also moving to and destroying Seattle.
“How is this city supposed to retain its original character and charm with so many people moving here minutes after I did?” said Coleman. “How am I supposed to seem more special, moody and off-beat for moving here to all my California friends and family when all of them just moved here with me?”
Despite only having lived in the city for 757 seconds, local residents admitted they were impressed by Coleman’s ability to start identifying and mocking transplants.
“Look at all these stupid transplants and tourists taking selfies with umbrellas at Starbucks and the Space Needle,” Coleman snorted. “I’d rather go to hidden gems inside Pike’s Places or just take a scenic drive down the 5.”
At press time Coleman was reportedly lamenting an overcrowded Seattle as he and his 17 Californian friends had trouble squeezing onto the Seattle Great Wheel.
