Several local citizens today discovered a disheveled Pioneer Square man ranting about Seattle’s demise via cannibalistic homeless gangs and The Seahawks to be none other than local right-wing KIRO radio host Dori Monson.
“Seattle has morphed into a den of vice, sin, and science-believing libtards,” frothed and foamed the self-proclaimed ‘voice of the people.’ “I remember the good old days when police used to mercilessly beat citizens with impunity … well I guess that’s the same, but cancel culture will get us all! It got me last year after I tweeted something blatantly transphobic for an entire 2.5 weeks!”
In spite of his obvious conservative leanings, onlookers reported that Monson insisted rather than being right or left, he identifies as non-conformist libertarian, despite conforming pretty closely to what most people would just call an asshole.
“He’s really unhinged. He spent like 40 minutes reading Joe Biden quotes in a baby voice and playing fart noises over Obama’s first SOTU address,” said onlooker Jeff Orkin. “He finished up by saying he loved cancel-culture, then yelling NOT in a Borat voice, then declaring himself ‘Captain Free Speech. Whole thing was just weird as hell.”
Monson concluded his rant by thanking anyone with an open window for listening, and refusing to field questions about the fact that he’s basically a combination of Rush Limbaugh and Joe Rogan for Boomers that don’t know who Joe Rogan is.
