After being identified as one of the six Seattle Police Department officers that attended the January 6th Capitol Riot, Sgt. Wyatt Williams was quick to deny his full involvement, telling press that he “like, could have, like, rioted so much worse than I did.”
“I only rioted a little, and I didn’t even mean to – it was an accident, I swear!” whined Williams despite having live-streamed video of himself rubbing his testicles on a statue of Grover Cleveland. “I flew across the country not to be one of the guys using pepper spray, fire extinguishers and the sharp tip of flag poles to pierce through several police barriers and end democracy—just one of the guys cheering them on and not doing anything about it. Is that so bad? They only killed two or three officers. Geez. What’s the big deal? So sensitive.”
When asked if he went to D.C. specifically to ‘Stop the Steal,’ as the event name suggested, Williams quickly became sullen and annoyed, attempting to deflect the question back on reporters.
“Oh yeah, like you and your friends never dressed up like a bunch of extras from Mad Max and took upper deckers in Chuck Schumer’s bathroom when you were younger,” the 47-year-old Williams shouted at one reporter. “This is so unfair! My buddy Steven down in Portland tear-gassed a bunch of peaceful protesters, slashed their tires and blinded a journalist with a rubber bullet and he didn’t even get in trouble for it.”
As of tonight, Williams was reportedly sulking in his room still on paid administrative leave and hoping he doesn’t get fired too badly.
“If they try to punish me and my friends at all, that’s it, we’re running away to Spokane. You’ll really miss us then.”
