Despite being completely fresh on the market with no strings attached, a newly single Bill Gates said he’s concerned the young employee he’s dating tonight is only into him for his tankards of orphan blood.
“I don’t know, sometimes I’m just scared chicks are only into me for my vast and bottomless supply of children’s precious blood plasma,” said Gates while his date went to the bathroom in an exclusive interview with The Needling, Seattle’s Only Real Fake News. “Part of me gets it: Who wouldn’t want everlasting life – civilization’s long sought-after literal fountain of youth? At the same time, somehow I just want them to also love me for me, you know? Kind of like a loyal, conscientious wife who puts up with you for way too long except more young, naive and disposable like a Batman girlfriend, Bond girl or the children I’ve sucked dry of heavenly hemoglobin.”
Gates said the way his date got up to go to the bathroom right when the check came counts as a major red flag that he’s dealing with a classic platelet-digger.
“I know how it goes with these types: First they act like they care about my childhood and agree that my ex was crazy, just how I want them to honestly,” Gates said with a sigh. “Next thing you know they’re asking to borrow just a few vials of vital fluids and it’s like, c’mon, you know you’re never going to kill a small child yourself just to pay me back. I don’t even need to be paid back, it’s just the principle of it. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me as much if it wasn’t so predictable.”
By the time the dinner was over, Gates confirmed he was also worried his date was only into him for his 5G protection and access to various space lasers.
