Following the New York Times’ expose of worker abuses at the famed fine dining destination on Washington’s Lummi Island, Willows Inn Chef Blaine Wetzel said he would be responding to every allegation from more than 35 former workers in small, unsatisfying portions over several hours.
“Here we have a light fluff of plausible deniability about those allegations of racism and sexism I foraged myself locally right here on the island,” said Wetzel, presenting a short, unsatisfying statement on a microplate to hungry local reporters. “When you’re done savoring that, I’ll bring your next small plate with a sliced crudo of raw denial.”
Craving something a little more substantive from the chef who promises all dishes are sourced directly from Lummi Island, starving reporters asked for a more full statement.
“Ah yes, well we did have a $600,000 class-action lawsuit we settled back in March, but I’m afraid we’d rather not serve or talk about that dish anymore,” Wetzel said, quickly peeling a Chiquita banana sticker off his apron. “Not to worry. I think you’ll really enjoy this next treat: A flourish of feigned concern for all the workers I dismissed and cussed out when they brought problems up to me directly.”
By the time the hours-long meal finished, chefs around the world being accused of similar worker abuses said they’re already so inspired by Wetzel’s revolutionary 12-course, slow-fed media statements that they plan to add something similar to their own menu rotations soon.
