The degree to which Texas was utterly unprepared for last week’s freak freeze continues to baffle, confuse and appall thousands of Seattleites who say they’re more accustomed to being completely unprepared for an inevitable, overdue and catastrophic earthquake they’ve only had a few decades to plan for.
“Poor Texans,” said lifelong Seattle resident Shelly Hayes. “If only they lived in a liberal safe-haven like ours that spends years avoiding the common-sense seismic upgrade laws and incentives California passed decades ago—the kind that would keep hundreds of our brick and soft-story buildings from becoming instant death traps for more than 33,000 people.”
Her neighbor, Seattle native Hank Rosenberg, agreed, saying he pitied how off-guard Texans must have felt when their power suddenly went off for days on end.
“I mean, at least The New Yorker described ‘The Really Big One’ for us in such vividly gruesome and harrowing detail that it literally won a 2016 Pulitzer Prize,” said Rosenberg. “Today, we’re still not doing anything to significantly reduce the immense earthquake losses that will make the 2020 pandemic look like child’s play, but at least we’re fatalistically aware that year after year our city is choosing not to be even remotely prepared.”
Although still absolutely and utterly fucked if this thing happens tomorrow, Seattle area lawmakers announced today that a new early-warning earthquake phone alert system now gives people inside unreinforced masonry buildings a 10-second heads up that they’re about to be crushed to a bloody pulp.
