After what was meant to be a coworker’s innocuous comment about a frustrating drive back to West Seattle, local Los Angeles transplant Oliver Marlow frightened onlookers today when he became visibly aroused at the opportunity to complain about “real traffic.”
“Oh, you think your drive got hard just because you don’t have a bridge home anymore and the 5 is busy? That’s cute,” said Marlow, unable to contain himself any longer. “Try getting on the 101 from the 134 from Glendale to Encino without selling your soul to a roadside Botox injectress. And you think SeaTac is bad? LAX and the 405 are the literal nipples of Satan. I once got stuck on Sunset Boulevard for five hours and almost had to eat my own hand for sustenance. You people have no idea how good you have it.”
One of the nearby victims of the tirade, Ben Wilson, reported Marlow even pulled out his phone to show Google Map travel times to anyone in his vicinity.
“Then he began foaming at the mouth and crawled into a fetal position pretending to be what he called ‘a whiny Seattle traffic baby’ for ten minutes,” Wilson said. “Totally ridiculous – even though I actually agree Seattle traffic isn’t that bad. I’m from Boston and you don’t know wicked traffic until you’ve seen the 495 at rush hour…”
At press time, Marlow was reportedly in full camouflage by Pioneer Square, eagerly waiting to ambush anyone who dared say Seattle’s homelessness problem is that bad.
