Despite being a big fan of controlling how women, people of color and low-income residents should live their lives, local control freak, cop and Caucasian man Hank Robertson has shockingly declined all offers to control his own damn self.
“I just work so hard all day making sure women don’t have autonomy over their own bodies, all while patriotically denying our country’s real history and the full humanity of anyone who isn’t also a white man,” said Robertson. “It leaves me so exhausted, weak and powerless to my own temperamental whims that I just can’t also be responsible for controlling myself. So if I have a bad day and do something terrible, just know it’s actually someone else’s fault. Don’t get me wrong though – I’m still a big fan of controlling everything else.”
When asked what helps take the edge off of knowing he’s declined to have any real control over himself, Robertson said “guns, mostly.”
“If anyone needs as many guns and ammo as possible, it’s men like me who have also repeatedly declined to have any control or accountability over their own violent behavior, fragile egos, and erratic mood swings,” said Robertson. “Gotta watch out for all the people I’m going to eventually blame for my own reckless and irrational behavior – women, social justice warriors and homeless people just to name a few.”
In addition to a giant stash of guns, Robertson says laws that protect the gun rights of other men with a record of not controlling themselves, especially cops, are also far more preferable to taking control and responsibility over his own damn self.
