With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father into saving his own life after promising him a sweet $25 Tommy Bahama gift card as a treat.
“Who’s a good boy? Who’s ready for that #IslandLife look this summer at the barbeque, huh? Maybe even a 15th cruise to Baja?” Hearns asked his father bouncing in the passenger seat on their way to his vaccination appointment today. “Screw saving your life – we’re gonna save $25 on some hibiscus-covered, Coconut Point Collection camp shirts tonight, aren’t we? Aw, that’s my boy.”
Hearns said that he’s been trying since January to take his father to a vaccine appointment.
“I tried everything including asking him to live long enough to see his grandchildren, but you know how scared and fussy daddies can be when you try to take them to the doctor,” Hearns said. “Needles, mortality, science, facts – those things are just too big and scarwy for fathers like mine to understand. But a small discount on a $150 pair of Island Zone Performance chinos? That he wants and understands, no hesitation.”
Fortunately, Hearns says he doesn’t have to worry about his mother, who was vaccinated last month.
“Oh she’s taken care of, alright. Her fear of vaccinations didn’t stand a chance against the 15% off coupon I had for Applebee’s. Such a good girl—didn’t even cry!”
